I’m tired of people saying to stop calling our daughters so they can focus on being smart and innovative. — Tai Coates (@Tie_Jackets) July 23, 2014
I didn’t realize the two were mutually exclusive. — Tai Coates (@Tie_Jackets) July 23, 2014
“Sorry mom, I can’t be a rocket scientist cause I want to be beautiful.” #gtfo — Tai Coates (@Tie_Jackets) July 23, 2014
I decided to share my Twitter rant from yesterday morning’s commute because I’m growing tired of articles about how we can increase the number of girls who go into STEM if we stop calling our daughters beautiful. To be honest, Verizon’s latest PR video is cute in theory.
If you haven’t seen the video yet (embedded at the end of this post), it follows this girl’s life from toddler to teenager with her parents nagging her with phrases like: “Don’t get your dress dirty,” “You don’t want to mess with that,” and “Be careful with that. Why don’t you hand that to your brother?”
Eventually they belittle her early interests in astronomy and science into (gasp!) make up by the time she’s in high school. The message is if we continue to focus on our daughters looks and being lady like, they won’t get the inspiration to go into STEM fields. My question is, why can’t we just do both?
I’m concerned that we’ve reached this idea that if a girl is smart, then she certainly can’t be pretty. And heaven forbid a confident and beautiful young girl is anything but shallow! It strikes me in particular because I also see articles that tell parents not to tell their daughters that they’re beautiful so that they won’t have body confidence issues later and no matter how many times I read these articles, they still don’t make any sense to me.
This post from The Telegraph last year suggests, “Mothers and fathers who praise their sons and daughters for wearing a nice outfit or having nice hair risk sending a message to children that looks are the most important thing to succeed in life, the minister said. Instead, she said, children should be praised for completing tasks or their ability to be inquisitive.”
And again, I ask, why can’t we just do both?
Is it so wrong to tell a girl that her dress is pretty AND ask her how school is going? Why can’t your daughter explore the muddy creek—you have a washer machine. Enroll your daughter into tech camps like TechGirls, GirlsWhoCode and Black Girls Code, which will provide her with technology education. Teach her how to use power tools, because people who know how to use power tools are awesome, just ask any friend of mine who helps build sets for the shows that we put on at the University.
Choosing not to call your daughters beautiful, or pretty, or gorgeous—especially if your daughter is of color and constantly exposed to European standards of beauty and deprived of what beauty looks like to her—can be just as detrimental as not telling your daughter how smart, or brilliant or intelligent she is.
This dichotomy between beauty and intelligence has to stop. A girl can simultaneously be a beauty and a nerd at the same time. We need to support our girls with confidence in both their looks AND their knowledge. One cannot replace the other.
What are your thoughts on the topic? Comment below or feel free to engage with me on Twitter: @Tie_Jackets
TJ Digital Creative 
I saw something once which discussed how we talk to little girls. A lot of people say “Oh you look so pretty!” or give superficial compliments, and the writer argued how that teaches them that getting praised on looks matters. While I don’t think that’s exactly right, it did get me thinking about how I relate to my younger relatives. Now, when I see them, I feel okay about praising them, but I also ask about school, what they’re reading, their interests, hobbies, etc.
My cousins are brilliant little girls. They deserve all the praise they can get for everything, because they are awesome, and should have all the self-esteem in the world!
Precisely! We should feel comfortable praising our girls in all ways, not just in looks and not only in intellect and hobbies.